True love

You know how sometimes you just can't believe in stuff anymore? Take true love for example. I mean it could just be that I'm jealous cuz all my friends are pairing up now and I'm left single-but I know its more than that. I don't know. Maybe its more like I don't believe in true love for myself. I have a friend who's going to marry her boyfriend of two years when we graduate (they've already decided this, she's sixteen, he's eighteen) and another friend who although its not that official both of them say they can't imagine themselves with anyone else. And I look at Shira and Moti (the first couple) and its just so clear that they really love each other. They would do anything for each other. They make the perfect couple, they balance each other out exactly. And I am so happy for them. Really. They really deserve that happiness, especially Shira. Let's just say she hasn't an easy time, whether in life in general or with boys.

But why can't I love and be loved in return, too? I was talking to a bunch of my girlfriends the other day and they were talking about when they want to get married (people get married early in Israel, between 18 and 25). And it was so obvious to them that they would get married, that they would find a husband. And, well, I don't take it for granted that I'm going to get married, not even get into a steady relationship. I told my friend-as a joke, although its true- that the only person who would be willing to commit to me is someone even more messed up than myself, and and thats pretty sad. Guys don't want girls with problems. Girls who are on antidepressants and are considered weird by most and who used to cut themselves. Guys don't want girls with scars-both mental and physical...

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."-Eden Ahbez
~Liza

Poem+quote

Hey people

I wrote this really depressing poem the other day. Called The Art of Suicide. Here goes:

there are so many way to
do the deed
but I have to say
that the most beautiful way is if you
slit your wrists
drawing the razor blade over
the silver scars and red cuts
then
quickly, before your time runs out
you write a note
something to leave behind
to tell them that its not their fault
to try and ease their guilt
to leave one last message to the world
you write it on paper
a wall
a floor
yourself
you write it not in ink or pencil
but in your own life's blood
gleaming wetly crimson
and then
you lay down
clasp a flower between your hands
fade off to sleep
and
never
come
back

ever. the final goodbye.

So, what'd you think? Just FYI, I am not contemplating suicide. Not really, anyway. My friends don't deserve that. Neither do my family.
I think at some point in their life everyone thinks about suicide. Because when you really think about it, why the hell are here if life is so hard?

And if the only way to mute the pain is taken from you, how are you supposed to go on?

"We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no formal diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."

Peace and love and all that shit-
Liza

My stupid school is ruining my life

Hey-

Ugh I am so not looking foward to Thursday because we have an 'Addiction Day' thingy which is basically a day where instead of normal classes we have all sorts of lectures about drugs, smoking, alcoholism, eating disorders, SI, etc. I am so totally gonna freak out in the middle and start crying. I'm really sensitive about that kind of stuff. I know they're going to talk about all these extreme cases and while most kids need that to understand how dangerous this stuff is and how real it is and how relevant it is to their lives but I'm aware of all of that already. I am so not in the mood to break down in front of everyone and then they'll just think that I'm even more fucked up. But if I don't go then its like I'm running away and people will notice and then they'll think that I'm avoiding it because I have problems like that which I don't anymore but if I have to go through a whole depressing day about that shit I'll just crumble. I don't know what to do God please help me before my life falls apart...

~Liza

Me being depressed...

Hello fellow human beings....

I'm just so goddamn tired not physically but mentally I just wanna give up curl into a ball and sleep and never wake up or die. I just don't get why I'm here living this shallow superficial painful life that just keeps on dredging and dredging on dripping toturously. I don't have the friggin energy to start pulling my life back togethor again and what's the point of taking those stupid pills if they don't make me feel any better? It's not like I wanna kill myself or cut myself I don't have the energy for that. I don't have the energy to eat or sleep. I feel half-dead and restless at the same time. I'm so scared I'm falling again. I'm never gonna be good enough so why try?

Sorry for dumping this on you-
Liza

Life's just too complicated

Hey

Ugh. I don't know what to do anymore. My life is spinning wildly out of control. I'm finally starting to get out the depression I was suck in, finally starting to feel better, and I just feel like the world is punching me in the stomach, over and over again, not letting me get back up. I've finally managed to convince my parents that even though I'm messed up its not their fault and that everything will be okay in the end, and now the school shrink's called my parents in for a meeting. I bet she also thinks I have an eating disorder. Just because I fainted at school last week everyone seems even more convinced that I'm anorexic. And I am so not.

And I've got so much school work to do I don't even know where to start. I mean for God's sake, I have a test in two days on everything we've learned in that subject in the last two friggin years, a math test on stuff I have absolutley no idea in hell how to do on Friday, a gigantic test which I need at lest two weeks to study for on Sunday, and another impossible test next Thursday. Not to mention regular old homework aand the stupid book I'm supposed to be reading for my literature class. Don't get me wrong. I love to read. But not un-understandable classical crap in Hebrew. Which happens to be as as boring as shit.

And I feel so guilty for whining about this when every minute people in this world are going through much harder things. I feel selfish. I hate feeling selfish because I know I can help people. My friends always come to me when they want to talk. The only problem is that I kind of take away some of their pain and feel it myself. If one of my friends is feeling down I will hurt. I hate that about myself, my hypersensitivity, but I know that without it I wouldn't be able to help others half as much. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared I'm falling again.

Well that was sure a depressing note to end on :(
~Liza

Rants and raves

Eh-oh dudes and dudettes :)

Hahaha I just bet my friend that she couldn't find my blog within a week so lets hope she doesn't cuz then I get a chocolate!!!!!!!!!!! <3 chocolate yummy yummy!

Okay enough with the hyperness. Actually I'm really pissed right now. In class today we had a 'heated discussion' on anarchism versus democracy (sounds really boring and lame but it was soooooooooo not) and I believe that if we can find a balance between both of them we can create an Utopia. So then everyone goes like that's very nice but its never gonna happen. I hate it when people say that! Don't just give up! Fight! Fight like your life depends on it cuz it does! Fact: the world sucks. It's a crappy place. However, fact: we have the power to change things! We really do, I'm not just bullshitting you. But we won't be able to accomplish anything if we give up before we've started.

Something that really gets to me is how much pain there is in this world. More about that later, though, cuz i gotta go!
Buh-bye peeps!
Liza

Yo peeps and anorexia(NOT!)

Hey peeps :)

I really should be studying now cuz I have a whole bunch of tests this week but its really boring crap. So instead I'm watching an episode of Criminal Minds (best show ever!!!!!!!!), doing a crossword puzzle, chatting with a million people on facebook and writing this, all at the same time.

You know what's driving me insane?! A bunch of my friends decided I'm anorexic, cuz I'm really skinny/thin/bony. At first it was a joke,, and slowly spread, and eventually it kinda stopped being a joke. And because everyone was obsessing over it I kinda started questioning myself. I mean, like yeah, I am terrified of gaining weight, I am extremely underweight for my age/height, I do have odd eating habits, I do think I'm not extremely thin (not that I think I'm fat. Big difference.) Except that I passed out last week, I keep having dizzy spells and blacking out, and I'm tired all the time (not to mention that my period's really late. And no, I am NOT pregnant, thank you very much). So I'm all confused...

Anyway peace out-
Liza